Psychoanalyzing at Kenny Roger's.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!X0

A WHOLE ENTRY! I LOST A WHOLE ENTRY!X0 GAAAAAAAAAAH!! ALL MY INSIGHTS!!!X0

........waaaahhhhh........

.....guess I'll have to do it all over again.X0

Mum and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart talk again last Sunday.:o Well, actually, it was more like I made an attempt to psychoanalyze myself and she just happened to be sitting across from me at Kenny Roger's, but there you go.XP

So what DID we talk about? (huhuhu, I'll have to do this all over again, AGAIN.X0)

WELL. For starters, we tackled the issue: Why oh WHY am I so huffy and mad towards my three youngest siblings?XP Which is actually pretty juvenile, THAT's what you're thinking right now, isn't it??

WELL. Turns out there are three main reasons:
1.) Age-old formula for sibling rivalry: I resent them because they take mummy away from me (great, now all I need are a bib and a baby rattle.XP Jeebus.) Good grief, how lame can I GET??XP
2.) They make mummy irritable and huffy CONSTANTLY. AS IN. (and this reason has more loving reasons to it than simply because mummy is INSUFFERABLE when she's in a bitchy mood, which is practically always nowadays.) Oooooooh, the little....er, angels.XP
3.) Our pseudo-quasi-pwede na family funds gets stretched over five, I repeat, five, kids. Think how much better it would be for, say, two?XP

NOW, let's go back to reason #1. Why is this so, do I think?? Hmmm.

Flashback...flashback...let's go back to my earliest childhood memories, shall we?

...scan...

...scan...

...aaaaaaand there is nothing, zip, zilch, nada in my childhood memories which includes mum or dad.XP Sad.

No, really! I even had Inggy to back me up there at Kenny's. When we were superdeeduper little kids all we could remember were lola, lola locking us in the bathroom with the lights closed (and duh, 'di man lang namin naisip na i-on yung ilaw, hellooooo), lolo, lola and lola fighting around the dinner table, lolo giving us soft-boiled eggs, Tita Tata, etc. Hmmm, I seem to have a pretty nice relationship established with my primary caregivers, so that explains why I still view the world in a pretty optimistic way) However, no mum and dad to be seen, hmmm. So, we therefore conclude na I became KSP. KSP sa parents, anyway.XP So ngayon , with mummy lavishing attention on the kiddies (since oo nga naman, bata pa nga naman kasi sila), I guess the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head.XP UGH, so juvenile, I swear.XP Pero weird naman, 'pag ngayon naman pinapansin ako ni mummy, and I mean pansin as in asikaso, ayoko naman!XP As in I feel super uncomfortable and yikkkkk and stuff.o_0 Siguro 'di ako nasanay?:o Or baka nag-defense mechanism ako somewhere in my unconscious na I don't really need care or attention?:o At parang may mindset na akong I don't deserve it?XP Pero siyempre the ever present ID is always clamoring for attention, as in!XP Soooooooo I'm stuck in a rut.XP I'm being pulled in both ways and I'm not moving at all, so I might as well tear myself apart (ooooh, and I might become schizophrenic, then life would be interesting.:D)

Ooooooh, maybe THAT can also explain why I'm so hell-bent to always overachieve!:o I have low self-regard, low self-esteem, low everything in fact, except self-criticism, which is pretty high...anyway, so I feel like I always have to prove myself, I dunno, worthy, or something.XP Gahhh. Yack yack yack.X0